Ways to apologize without saying sorry

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There are hundreds of other ways to show weakness instead of apologizing. Use the following sentences if you constantly find yourself saying “I’m sorry.”

“I want to make up for things in some trivial way.”

“I want to make up for things in some trivial way.”

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Let them know it’s about deeds, not just words, as long as it’s not a hassle.

“Don’t blame me, but Lee Harvey Oswald.”

“Don’t blame me, but Lee Harvey Oswald.”

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Even if it’s your fault, it’s easy to put the blame on Oswald, who is not only a notorious criminal, but is unlikely to offer a rebuttal from beyond the grave.

“Oops poos.”

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A grown man saying the phrase “oopsie poopsies” is distracting enough that no one will ever remember the mistake you made.

“Just tell me how much to make this whole thing disappear.”

“Just tell me how much to make this whole thing disappear.”

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Nothing says “I’m sorry” like a big wad of cold hard money.

“I’m not afraid to die. Can you say the same?”

“I’m not afraid to die. Can you say the same?”

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Apologizing gives power to the person you’re apologizing to. This reverses that dynamic.

“I am sow.”

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Talking like a stereotypical woman from a 50’s movie is a great way to stop saying “I’m sorry” and have men scream like cartoon wolves with bulging eyes.

“We’re having a child!”

“We’re having a child!”

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A powerful way to change the subject in a dispute with a significant other, and even more disarming with an angry stranger who landed you at a crossroads from behind.

“I cannot apologize for walking the path God has given me.”

“I cannot apologize for walking the path God has given me.”

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To apologize would be to question the fate the Almighty has chosen for you eons before you were even born.

“Aggh inherits dooo whoot.”

“Aggh inherits dooo whoot.”

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Guttural moans express your feelings better than words ever could.

“Here’s $50,000.”

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If you can afford it, this is really the way to go.

“Why do we have the [marginalized ethnic group] come between us?”

“Why do we have the [marginalized ethnic group] come between us?”

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Scapegoating a vulnerable population is a great way to turn your misdeeds to an impeccable third party who sabotaged everything.

“I apologize.”

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People’s displeasure with you will quickly turn into intrigue while they wonder how you learned to speak Italian.

“But how do we know this isn’t all a dream orchestrated by an evil demon?

“But how do we know this isn’t all a dream orchestrated by an evil demon?

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Hopefully, they have not read Descartes, and this will astonish them damned.

“I would apologize if ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ had actual meaning.”

“I would apologize if ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ had actual meaning.”

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Assure them that there will be an apology when “right” and “wrong” matter in a universe indifferent to both.

“Forgive me.”

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What could have been an apology is now an immediate call to action for your audience to respond to if they don’t want to be a dick.

“Next time I’ll check to see if the gun is loaded.”

“Next time I’ll check to see if the gun is loaded.”

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Your apology will be better received if you include clear, actionable steps you are going to take not to take them down in the future.

“Please respect my privacy at this time.”

“Please respect my privacy at this time.”

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You want to make sure there are no follow-ask questions that could expose you further.

“Thank you for the opportunity to grow.”

“Thank you for the opportunity to grow.”

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When you say something like that, you let people know that you are really unbearable to be around.

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